Questions For Working With Men
Practical Questions, Reflections and Prompts for Counsellors
Many men do not arrive in therapy wanting to talk about feelings.
They arrive wanting to talk about stress.
Work.
Relationships.
Sleep.
Fatherhood.
Money.
Their partner.
Football.
The fact they're angry all the time.
The fact they're tired all the time.
The fact something feels wrong, even if they cannot quite explain what it is.
One of the most common mistakes therapists make when working with men is assuming that emotions need to be the starting point.
Often they aren't.
Many men talk around what hurts before they talk about what hurts.
The questions below are not intended as scripts. They're simply prompts that can help conversations develop naturally and at the client's pace.
Starting Where The Client Is
When a man seems unsure where to begin:
What made you decide to come now?
What was happening in your life when you first thought about reaching out?
If we were having this conversation six months ago, what might you have said was going on?
What feels most important to talk about today?
What has been taking up the most space in your head recently?
What are you carrying at the moment?
Exploring Pressure And Responsibility
Many men identify strongly with responsibility before they identify with emotion.
Questions that explore pressure can often create a safer entry point.
What currently depends on you?
Who are you responsible for?
What feels heaviest at the moment?
If somebody followed you around for a week, what would they notice about your life?
What do people expect from you?
What do you expect from yourself?
When was the last time you felt you could properly switch off?
Working With Emotional Language
Some men struggle to identify emotions directly.
Indirect questions can help.
What has your week felt like?
If your stress had a shape, what would it look like?
What has been hardest to carry?
When do you notice things feel most difficult?
What do you find yourself thinking about when you're on your own?
What is the conversation you're having in your head that nobody else hears?
Working With Identity
Many men come to therapy because something about who they are no longer feels clear.
How would you describe yourself these days?
Has that changed over time?
What parts of yourself do you miss?
What do you think people see when they look at you?
Does that match how you feel inside?
Who are you when nobody needs anything from you?
Exploring Loneliness
Male loneliness often hides beneath other concerns.
Who really knows what's going on for you?
When did you last feel understood?
Who do you turn to when life becomes difficult?
What do you keep to yourself?
Is there anybody you wish you could talk to differently?
Have there been times in your life when you felt more connected?
Working With Fathers
Fatherhood often brings unique pressures.
What kind of father are you trying to be?
Where do you think that idea came from?
How different is fatherhood from what you expected?
What has surprised you most?
What do you worry about getting wrong?
How has becoming a father changed the way you see yourself?
Questions Around Shame
Shame is often present long before it is named.
What do you criticise yourself for?
What do you think you should be doing differently?
If somebody else was carrying what you're carrying, how would you view them?
What feels difficult to admit out loud?
What are you worried I might think about you?
Questions About Change
What would need to happen for things to feel slightly better?
What would you like life to look more like?
What's getting in the way?
What have you already tried?
What's one thing you know needs attention?
If nothing changed, what worries you most?
A Final Thought
Many men do not arrive in therapy looking for emotional insight.
They arrive looking for relief.
The relationship often develops before the language does.
Be patient.
Stay curious.
Trust the process.
Sometimes conversations that begin with football, work, parenting, or everyday life gradually find their way to something more important.
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