Working with Resistance
A Clinical Reflection - A note before you begin
The reflections below are drawn from my own experience of counselling and supervision. They are not intended as rules about resistance, but observations that have emerged through practice. Every client's experience is unique, and these reflections are offered simply as another way of thinking about what we often call "resistance".
Resistance Isn't the Enemy
One of the first things I wish someone had told me is that resistance isn't the enemy.
In fact, after a while, I stopped thinking of it as resistance altogether.
I started thinking of it as protection.
When clients don't answer a question, change the subject, arrive late, joke at exactly the right moment or tell you they're "fine", they're rarely trying to make your life difficult.
They're showing you where life no longer feels safe.
That's useful.
Not frustrating.
Useful.
Where Two Parts Meet
Resistance often seems to appear where two parts of a person meet.
One part desperately wants life to be different.
Another quietly asks,
"But if I change... what happens next?"
Both parts deserve to be heard.
I've become less interested in pushing through resistance and much more interested in understanding why it arrived.
What Might Resistance Look Like?
It rarely walks into the room wearing a name badge.
More often it arrives disguised as something else.
Sometimes it's:
"I don't really remember."
Sometimes it's:
"Anyway... enough about me."
Sometimes it's arriving ten minutes late every week.
Cancelling just as the work begins to deepen.
Talking for fifty minutes without ever quite saying anything.
A mind that suddenly goes blank.
An unexpected fascination with the weather.
The football.
Your holiday plans.
Or almost anything except the thing that had just begun to emerge.
And sometimes...
...it's funny.
Humour Can Be Brilliant
Humour is one of my favourite things to encounter in therapy.
It builds connection.
It eases shame.
It reminds us that even in painful moments we remain wonderfully human.
It also happens to be one of the cleverest ways we avoid difficult feelings.
I know.
I've done it myself.
There have been moments when I've made a joke only to realise afterwards that I'd neatly stepped around something important.
Clients do exactly the same.
The laughter isn't the problem.
It's worth becoming curious about what arrived immediately before it.
Even the "Perfect Client"
Resistance can even look like the perfect client.
The one who agrees with everything.
The one who says,
"Yes, that makes complete sense."
The one who leaves every session with another insight.
Sometimes those insights are genuine.
Sometimes they're another way of staying safely in our heads rather than risking what we might actually feel.
The question I now ask myself isn't:
"Why is this client resisting?"
It's:
"What is this protecting?"
That one question has probably changed my practice more than almost anything else.
Working Alongside Resistance
Early in my training, I thought my job was to find the right question.
Now I sometimes wonder whether I was asking the right question...
too soon.
The temptation, particularly when we're new, is to push a little harder.
Explain.
Persuade.
Ask just one more question.
Ironically, that's often the quickest way to strengthen the very thing we're trying to understand.
Sometimes the most therapeutic response sounds more like:
"It makes sense that this feels difficult to talk about. Perhaps there's a good reason part of you isn't ready yet."
Or simply noticing what's happening between you.
"I've noticed that whenever we talk about your dad, we somehow end up talking about work. I wonder what you make of that?"
Sometimes the work isn't about getting past the resistance.
It's about sitting alongside it long enough that it no longer has to work quite so hard.
What This Has Taught Me
I've lost count of the number of times I've thought,
"We're finally getting somewhere..."
...only for a client to ask whether I'd watched the football at the weekend.
Ten years ago I'd probably have thought they'd changed the subject.
These days I tend to wonder what changed it for them.
That small shift—from frustration to curiosity—has probably made me a better therapist.
In Practice
I don't try to remove resistance.
I try to understand it.
Sometimes it softens quickly.
Sometimes it remains for weeks.
Occasionally for months.
That's okay.
Protection exists for a reason.
If we respect that reason, clients often begin deciding for themselves when it feels safe enough to let it go.
Reflection for Practitioners
Think about a recent client who appeared "resistant."
What might the resistance have been protecting?
What happened in you when you noticed it?
Did you become curious...
or did you become determined to move the conversation forward?Were you trying to help the client...
or reduce your own uncertainty?
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This article is part of the Free Resources for Trainee & Newly Qualified Counsellors, a growing library of practical guides and clinical reflections designed to support therapists in training and beyond.
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Working with Resistance
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